 Dear Kevin,
Hello. I have been married for about four years now. We have a 2-year-old child together. My husband has been cheating on me verbally, but not physically. He has been sending sexual e-mails to other women. So here's my question, how do you cope with a cheating husband? I am so confused. Should I go or should I stay?
Tired in Georgia
Dear Tired in Georgia,
Life is quite a ride, isn't it? There is so much confusion and so much dismay. People do not always behave in the ways we wish they would, and sometimes it's the behaviors of the ones to whom we are closest that hurt us the most. While the technology of modern life offers many solutions to communication, it's clear that it also offers many dangerous temptations and avenues for straying beyond relationships. There are no quick and easy responses to your situation that will offer complete guidance and direction, so let me begin by suggesting that you consult with a trained professional in person for further guidance. For now, however, I'll offer a few key points.
First, every individual has his or her own values, convictions and beliefs about how life best operates, and since couples are formed by individuals, they will also operate uniquely; no two couples will behave the same way or share the same rules. The challenge of all couples, then, is to decide their own rules and to engage in dialogue about what might or might not be considered "cheating." Of course, the essence of the solution here is communication. Are you talking with -- not to or at, but with -- each other about this situation? Have you had a talk about what your relationship defines as cheating? Clearly, that needs to happen first. Your husband may not be aware that you consider what he's doing to be cheating because he might have had a different set of beliefs about that form of communication (internet chatting, etc) going into your relationship.
The second key point I'd like to suggest is a difficult one because you've probably already explored it to some extent, and the reality of this possibility might pinch a little. However, circumstances can only change when we are able to name the truths about our lives and confront them squarely in the face. In every instance of "cheating," straying is usually a symptom of unmet needs in a relationship. So, what needs might you not be meeting for each other? Perhaps he is scared to open up in person to anyone because that requires a level of vulnerability that most people fear to some extent, but some more than others. For him, it may seem safer to interact with someone online (even if that involves acting out sexually through words as a way of avoiding the real issues at stake) than to consult with his spouse. Furthermore, strange though it may seem, your husband's behavior might also be his way of protecting your relationship from what he considers to be actual, physical cheating, because he is getting some needs met in a way that do not appear to him to overtly violate the constitution of your marriage.
All very confusing, isn't it? There are many, many possible angles on your situation, and many, many possible ways to address it. But I have to make this clear: Your confusion is not unique; you are not alone and you are facing a remarkably common problem in our technological age. The real question of the day, however, is not so simple as whether you should go or whether you should stay, because that depends on YOUR values and what you are willing or not willing to tolerate in your relationship. However, I would at least suggest confronting your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes and beliefs about the situation in order to clarify them and be able to articulate them for your husband clearly before deciding anything. Give him a chance to act on the information you provide him by first deciding for yourself what you are or are not willing to tolerate in a marriage relationship. It takes two to tango, two to communicate, and believe it or not, two to define "cheating."
Tired in Georgia -- go do something nice for yourself. Love on yourself a little. Get your own needs met a little before trying to conquer your husband's, and speak with someone in person who is trained to provide that nurture in a safe way if that's what it takes. Or see someone together. But ultimately, you both have some very difficult and courageous communicating to do if you want to make things work. It's up to you both to define the values of your relationship together, and up to you individually to decide your own.
On behalf of others grappling with these same concerns, I wish you the very best, and I thank you for writing. I'd love to hear how it's turned out for you, and what you decided to do.
Sincerely,
Kevin About Kevin Working as a therapist for nine years, Kevin E. Buckins, MS, NCC, LPC, is currently employed full time at the Atlanta, Ga., campus of Savannah College of Art and Design (http://www.scad.edu), where he serves as a mental health counselor for college students. Buckins, a Georgia State University graduate, specializes in relationship issues, life-coaching, sexual orientation identity issues, depression, anxiety or fears, loss or grief, spirituality, and career counseling. Buckins believes an outstanding therapist is both a rational thinker and an empathetic listener, and engages in honest dialogue. Kevin says, “Most therapists choose a theoretical orientation on which to base their practices. However, I do not believe that any one approach works for every client. Instead, I attempt to tailor my work to individuals' own needs and meet them where they are.” Need advice from Kevin? Submit your question using the Dear Kevin Submission Form . Entries may be edited for clarity or space.
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