Dear Kevin,
 
Some girlfriends and I were having an in depth discussion about marriage. The question was posed by one of my friends if it could be possible for a married woman to be raped by her husband. We all kind of laughed at the thought of a wife being raped by her husband. Isn't it the responsibility of a good wife to fulfill all of her husband's needs, including sex?  So what would you call it if a husband initiates sex and the wife refuses him and he continues on to the point that the wife has no choice but to give in? 
 
Thanks,
Curious in Mississippi

Dear Curious,

Thank you for asking such a considerable, and courageous, question. I won't go into the details about the legal definitions of rape, but I will share that, from a psychological perspective, rape is rarely about sex; it's almost always about power. While the transgressor might feel sexually satisfied in the process, that self-satisfaction is derived from stripping the other person of their own free will for personal gratification. It's selfish, egoistic and frankly, sociopathic. Obviously, there is very little regard for the other person in the act of rape (except to take whatever power they might be perceived to have, or to crush them for not having any), and forced sex of any kind is really not very different. It’s not something you'd want from a spouse or partner, the one person who is supposed to feel most trustworthy and emotionally safest of all.

So, then, if we're talking about whether it's possible for a husband to rape his wife, and we're using the language I've provided, then yes, it is absolutely possible. Love not given freely is not love, and love can't be "made" if it doesn't involve both partners equally, with harmonious consent and good intention. If there are problems in the bedroom, there are almost always problems somewhere else in the marriage, whether within the individuals involved, or between them. In most modern traditions, marriage is viewed as two individuals entering into a voluntary union based on love, trust and respect, and neither is the "property" of the other. If sex feels like an obligation, then someone is likely to feel like owned, devalued and unloved, and I would encourage a thorough exploration of all those feelings before engaging in an unwanted sex act. After all, love is not merely a feeling or a sentiment; it's mutual spiritual growth and self discipline, which requires both restraint and yielding, but never in a way that dishonors any individual involved.

About Kevin

Working as a therapist for nine years, Kevin E. Buckins, MS, NCC, LPC, is currently employed full time at the Atlanta, Ga., campus of Savannah College of Art and Design (http://www.scad.edu),  where he serves as a mental health counselor for college students. Buckins, a Georgia State University graduate, specializes in relationship issues, life-coaching, sexual orientation identity issues, depression, anxiety or fears, loss or grief, spirituality, and career counseling.  Buckins believes an outstanding therapist is both a rational thinker and an empathetic listener, and engages in honest dialogue.

Kevin says, “Most therapists choose a theoretical orientation on which to base their practices.  However, I do not believe that any one approach works for every client.  Instead, I attempt to tailor my work to individuals' own needs and meet them where they are.”

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