Dear Kevin, I once called myself a good mother, although I wasn’t my daughter’s best friend. Despite this, I thought I knew her pretty well. She is the love of my life and I have spent 20 years trying to make sure she was around the best people. Unfortunately, I recently had to kick my daughter out of the house because she kept staying out late. Now, I am hurting because I feel my skills as a mother have fallen short. If I was truly a good mother, my daughter wouldn’t have left to be with a manipulative man she had only known for a few weeks. She is not a fast girl, but just a girl who is too trusting and who believes someone else loves her more than I do. I can’t stop crying because I haven’t heard from her in three weeks. Did I make a mistake by telling her to get out if she couldn’t keep her curfew, and how do I win her back? Carol Dear Carol, Parenting is a complex process, and there are rarely ever any simple answers to questions like yours. The dynamics of relationships are almost confounding in their intricacy. However, I CAN tell you this: Every person is an individual with his or her own freedom and power of choice, and some of us have to learn by experience if we're going to truly learn at all. It might be unfortunate (or, rather, "gut-wrenching," as you say!) to witness the people we care about making choices that are disappointing and hurtful to themselves and others, but if true love is letting go and honoring a person's freedom to grow, evolve and learn in whatever ways they need to do so, then we must do so. We can be good influences and hope for that to be enough, but we can NOT usurp another person's power (within the limits of the law) and hope that he or she learns from our control, because that person simply won't. Rather, he or she will writhe and wriggle to be free first and foremost -- at any cost. I wonder what might happen if you took a step back, put your faith in the best intentions that you've invested in her, and just prayed without meddling? You might be surprised to learn that, as the cliché goes, what you set free in love often comes back to you. Meanwhile, in that process, I might also urge you to take the time for some self-examination -- perhaps in the care of a trained and nurturing professional to guide you -- and begin to explore in what ways you might be expecting your daughter's values to line up lock-step with your own, instead of allowing her to find and manifest her own true thoughts and identity? I ask gingerly, but I must ask: Is there perhaps any chance that you might actually be a little too emotionally enmeshed in your daughter's life in your own personal effort to be happy and to feel fulfilled? These are painful questions, to be sure -- but they're absolutely necessary if you really want to find some genuine peace in your dilemma and to start living so that your happiness does not depend so exclusively on another person's behavior -- even that of your own flesh and blood. Ultimately, I believe that if your daughter is, indeed, making reckless or risky decisions, that if you begin to practice this Zen-like art of letting go (through love and compassion), she will come back to you for your love and guidance; but until she does so, chances are good that if you try to coerce her with your opinions in any way, she will not seek those things from you freely. Carol, your daughter is a grown woman now. She might still be in need of your love and guidance at times, but now is actually the time to begin focusing on yourself first. The lifeguard has to be sure that he or she is safe in the water first before rescuing any victims. So do that: Secure yourself first; start focusing on whatever you need to do to engage in self-love, self-forgiveness and grace (where needed), and put your faith in life and in your previous investments of love, and just see what happens. I know it's not an easy answer, but it's the best I have to offer without knowing you more fully or being in a therapeutic relationship with you over a period of time. I hope it helps. All the best, Kevin About Kevin Working as a therapist for nine years, Kevin E. Buckins, MS, NCC, LPC, is currently employed full time at the Atlanta, Ga., campus of Savannah College of Art and Design (http://www.scad.edu), where he serves as a mental health counselor for college students. Buckins, a Georgia State University graduate, specializes in relationship issues, life-coaching, sexual orientation identity issues, depression, anxiety or fears, loss or grief, spirituality, and career counseling. Buckins believes an outstanding therapist is both a rational thinker and an empathetic listener, and engages in honest dialogue. Kevin says, “Most therapists choose a theoretical orientation on which to base their practices. However, I do not believe that any one approach works for every client. Instead, I attempt to tailor my work to individuals' own needs and meet them where they are.” Need advice from Kevin? Submit your question using the Dear Kevin Submission Form . Entries may be edited for clarity or space.
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