 Dear Kevin… I am involved in a marriage in which my husband often disregards my feelings. Because we’ve been together for so long, I feel he takes me for granted.
Whenever I try to voice my concerns, he calls me a complainer or walks away — this happens a lot. The relationship is beginning to make me question my identity. While we do genuinely love each other, I am craving a more harmonious, plutonic relationship. I am even dreaming about it these days. Oh boy, am I in trouble? Traci from Missouri Traci, It sounds like you are feeling neglected by the one person whom you most want to care. “Home is where the heart is,” as the saying goes, and yet you’re getting little “heart” at home. There could be many reasons for your husband’s behavior, and there are many ways to approach your situation. I would encourage you to start by not assuming that he is taking you for granted merely “because you’ve been together so long.” Perhaps start by trying to walk in his shoes for a bit; see things through his eyes. Are there needs of his own that you are neglecting? Communicate; ask him. It’s often true that we get what we give, and if you aren’t getting what you want, perhaps it’s because you’re not giving what he wants? Regardless, it’s a sad fact of life that relationships do wax and wane, and we tend to get used to the people and things around us; it’s only human. So, if you’re still unsatisfied after walking in his shoes for a bit and trying to decide how to get his attention by pleasing him, I would suggest walking more decidedly in your own (read on to see what I mean). Sometimes we need to shake things up a little to keep our partners interested. Ironically, there’s often no better way to do that than to stop focusing on the other person and to turn inward instead, especially because we can’t count on another person’s change for our own happiness. If you’re unhappy, then I’d encourage you to start treating yourself the way you would like to be treated. Get in touch with yourself. Re-connect with yourself first. See what turns you on and turns you off, and learn how to nurture your own needs; perhaps he will follow. It is true, after all, that we do teach other people how to treat us. Spend ample amounts of time in daily introspection, whether through journaling, therapy or formal meditation, and learn how to meet your own needs first. Then, in the process of being as nurturing and as loving as you can be to YOU, you might find the words to really communicate how you specifically feel, and in a way that he might actually hear. If not, at least it’s impossible to be in a loveless relationship if you love yourself. {quote} If you love yourself, that love will become your inner guide and direct you to what you need to do next.Yes, home is where the heart is, and your heart is inside of you. Learn to be your own home, and you just might find someone dear knocking at your door. I hope this helps. About Kevin Working as a therapist for nine years, Kevin E. Buckins, MS, NCC, LPC, is currently employed full time at the Atlanta, Ga., campus of Savannah College of Art and Design (http://www.scad.edu), where he serves as a mental health counselor for college students. Buckins, a Georgia State University graduate, specializes in relationship issues, life-coaching, sexual orientation identity issues, depression, anxiety or fears, loss or grief, spirituality, and career counseling. Buckins believes an outstanding therapist is both a rational thinker and an empathetic listener, and engages in honest dialogue. Kevin says, “Most therapists choose a theoretical orientation on which to base their practices. However, I do not believe that any one approach works for every client. Instead, I attempt to tailor my work to individuals' own needs and meet them where they are.” Need advice from Kevin? Submit your question using the Dear Kevin Submission Form . Entries may be edited for clarity or space.
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Disregarded Feelings
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